Five Reasons Why Conde Nast Should Fire Anna Wintour

So, Conde Nast is claiming that Anna Wintour is staying with Vogue and that rumors of her exit were greatly exaggerated (aka it’s a big fat lie, good job Gawker).

Personally, I thought this was the greatest news ever for American fashion, which has endured a big kick in the couture recently from international innovators who are making us look like a bunch of celebrity addicted, conservative yahoos.

Well Conde Nast, before you consider keeping Winnie here are some reasons why you should can the Angel in Uniqlo (sorry, the Devil Wears Prada reference is running thin).

1. She’s Expensive. Private cars, comped meals, post-tramatic stress therapy for former assistants. In these lean economic times fresh blood might be the best way to save a couple of bucks and a new face at the helm might just attract new advertisers to your quickly aging magazine.

2. Two Words. Mens Vogue. Men’s Vogue is not only a horrible title since most men who think of reading Vogue already have subscriptions to Butt Pirate Monthly, which already has a massive fashion section, it’s also a horrible idea. Men’s fashion in America is mostly lamish and if we’re already reading Details and GQ for rehashed ideas of what to wear why would we ever be the dude who reads Vogue? Bad job Winnie, very, very bad job.

3. Half as much Andre Leon Tally to Love. You know you’ve been trying to get that fat ass into the gym but the chubby chaser refuses to thin out. Carine Roitfeld is notorious for the scale she keeps in her office and her demands that all employees remain in Vogue. She’ll have him barfing up his lunchtime Mozzarella sticks in no time.

4. Anna Wintour Has Made You The Profitable Laughing Stock of the Fashion Community. Yeah, you make more money from advertisers, but you’ve lost your soul in the process. No one takes your magazine seriously. Vogue is basically an overpriced catalogue for whichever advertiser is willing to line your pockets.  Carine will bring in some fresh ideas and the avid following of youth who flock to French Vogue for actual fashion and not shitty advertiser lined spreads.  Oh wait I forgot about this.

Five Reasons Why Conde Nast Should Fire Anna Wintour

5. Daniel Saynt is Available for Hire. Fuck Carine. Listen Conde Nast, I got this. Seriously, I can take on Vogue in all seriousness. I know fashion and designers and stuff. And you can hire me for about um, 1/2 you’d pay Carine. Seriously. Just do it. Come on. If only for a publicity stunt. You know how many people will freak their shit if you made the announcement. I’d come to work for like one day and then you could fire me and be all like, ha ha we were just kidding, we hired Carine. No. That’s not a good idea? Oh that’s right. You have 12 inch sticks permanently implanted in your asses which prevent you from making jokes. I forgot.