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Get a Load of these Golden Globes…

Award season is upon us and with it, the flurry of emails telling me “who wore what” are currently burying my mailbox.

I attempt to declutter while scanning for the messages that answer the questions I really care about, like “Who gave Kate Hudson her award night Botox?”

Get a Load of these Golden Globes...

Get a Load of these Golden Globes...
“I hate this bitch cause she looks so fuckin good”  award goes to Kate Hudson in Alexander McQueen

One of my least favorite parts of Award season aren’t the lengthy acceptance speeches, the overdrawn Red Carpet moments on E! where Ryan Seacrest pretends to give a fuck about all of Hollywood, or the fact that everyone always looks so effing thin that by comparison I look like a total #FailWhale.

The worst part is the surge of emails that start trooping in the second a Jimmy Choo touches the red carpet.

So and so is wearing Versace, what’s her name is in Bulgari, blah. blah. just shoot me, blah. Worst of all is that the emails don’t stop for about 48 hours, or until every celebrity, A to Z list, is name dropped and every borrowed garment, bauble, or stiletto is accounted for, all accompanied with completely unusable screen shots from Getty Images with options to pay for high-res options in order to cover the ground shaking news that Kelly Osborne wore Band-Aid brand bandages to keep the back of her feet from bleeding in her 5-inch Manolos. With just over 476 emails with the subject “Golden Globes Exclusive” in my Gmail, the inbound box of a fashion lifestyle blogger who couldn’t possibly care less about which Nick-star got a coveted invite, I often wonder how someone like ”Just Jared” Eng survives the onslaught.

Sunday night’s red carpet was full of the usual names, ChanelChopardCalvin Klein, among many others, but what about the brands that I really care about? Who’s willing to answer the questions that a jaded fashionite with a potty mind might ask?

Who choose Yummie Tummie over Spanx? Did Jennifer Lawrence thin down with Exlax or Venezuelan tape worms? Was that Abriva in Megan Fox’s studded Christian Louboutin clutch?

Or better yet, which star had PiMS and which tampon brand of choice accompanied her to the event? An email titled “Tampax plugs Girls star and creator Lena Dunham” might just make my head explode in excitement.

Another product that gets neglected at these events, deodorant, which I feel is super important considering all the heart pumping situations our national treasures are put in, I’d like to know if Degree’s body heat activated technology kicked in when Robert Downey Jr. realized that he was seated at Mel Gibson’s table, or if it was Old Spice that helped Denzel Washington keep his cool when Seacrest asked him if his daughter was his wife during E!’s live coverage of the red carpet.

And, what about hand sanitizer, a very useful product, especially after seeing a sickly Jennifer Lawrence (dubbed J. Law by Tina Fey and Amy Poehler) refuse to spread her illness to Seacrest, only to seconds later extend her snot-filled, Harry Winston adorned hand to an unsuspecting security guard waiting at the bottom of E!’s podium.

I guess biological warfare is one way to win the Hunger Games.

Get a Load of these Golden Globes...

I watched secretly hoping for an Anne Hathaway-level vag slip. Miranda Kerr came close to exposing her hoo-ha, but was classy enough to use her clutch to keep the bush at bay. Would have loved to get a press release titled, “Miranda Kerr’s clam gets covered by BCBG.”  Would have made my day and made the brand seem fashionably heroic.

But now, onto some more photos of celebrities you’ve already seen a million times, everywhere else.

Get a Load of these Golden Globes...

Get a Load of these Golden Globes...

Do the celebs wearing long gowns still shave their legs?

Like, do you think Lucy Lui takes a shower, picks up her razor and just says “Fuck it, I’m in a floor length Carolina Herrera tonight.”. Or does she shave in hopes of taking home a One Direction boy at an after party? If anyone got a peek, I’d like to get an answer. [Editors note, this joke initially had Jackie Chan in the role of the One Direction boy. It was changed cause Saynt said it kind of sounded "racially insecure". I said it's not my fault that he's the only Chinese actor I can think of off the top of my head.]

Get a Load of these Golden Globes...

Get a Load of these Golden Globes...

Get a Load of these Golden Globes...

On the real though, did anyone else notice all the pinky rings?

I tweeted about it and seemed to be the only one paying attention to the giant rocks on everyone’s most useless finger, Jennifer Lopez (photo from the afterparty), Claire Danes, and a very stunning Julianne Moore all rocked the pinky.

Did brands run out of digits to bejewel? Do rings come in sample size as well and were they all forced to fit it on the littlest piggy? Is there a secret society of Godfather loving celebrities roaming Hollywood? Tres bizarre.

Moral of the story, too many press releases and not one of them with a story worth writing about…maybe the Oscars will be better.


Written by Beca Alexander

My spirit animal is Michelle Harper.