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Getting Hitched Without a Hitch: An Illustrated Guide to the Ins and Outs of the Royal Wedding


It’ll take some expert maneuvering, intricately-detailed planning and more than a little finagling to pull off the royal circus coming to London town tomorrow morning. After the jump, find out who’s sitting where, Prince William and Kate Middleton‘s wedding procession route and all the security surrounding this most ceremonious of ceremonies. And if you’re awake like I am at 5 am tomorrow, check out Fashion Indie’s Twitter where I’ll be live-tweeting the wedding in a similar condition as Prince Harry — drunk and half-asleep. Just by following us, you can have your chance to win your very own ROYAL TIARA, fit for any queen!

The Official Programme (you know it’s official due to the British spelling) bearing the Windsor royal crest:

Getting Hitched Without a Hitch: An Illustrated Guide to the Ins and Outs of the Royal Wedding

Which features the couple’s Official Photograph by Vogue staple, Mario Testino:

Getting Hitched Without a Hitch: An Illustrated Guide to the Ins and Outs of the Royal Wedding

Okay, I’m just going to say it, this is adorable as all get out but Prince Will looks like someone is literally pulling that smile from deep within his anal cavity. That’s the look of love.

The programme also has the couple’s heartfelt thanks to everyone who’s been obsessed with them for the past few months. You’re welcome:

Getting Hitched Without a Hitch: An Illustrated Guide to the Ins and Outs of the Royal Wedding

Note Catherine’s got that engagement ring in plain sight. Someone’s a pro.

The Royal Wedding Procession, in which we learn that said engagement ring belonged to William’s mother, Princess Diana and is a blue sapphire surrounded by a cluster of 14 diamonds worth over $400,000…you know, a cute little trinket:

Getting Hitched Without a Hitch: An Illustrated Guide to the Ins and Outs of the Royal Wedding

Note that tomorrow is an official holiday for Brits, and since I occasionally lapse into a false British accent whenever I watch Absolutely Fabulous, I’m going to assume that that holiday is applicable to me as well.

The Royal Seating Chart:

Getting Hitched Without a Hitch: An Illustrated Guide to the Ins and Outs of the Royal Wedding

I’m assuming the David and Victoria Beckham will be in the North Transept as friends of Will and Kate. Hopefully Kanye West will also be there– Ye is one of Will’s favorite artists and he’s rumored to be an unofficial guest. If West is there, expect him to be sitting next to the Queen as she’d have it no other way…and by “she” I clearly mean Kanye.

Easing on down the Royal Road:

Getting Hitched Without a Hitch: An Illustrated Guide to the Ins and Outs of the Royal Wedding

Thousands will line the street as Will and Kate make their way from Buckingham Palace to their ultimate doom joy at Westminster Abbey.

And to ensure that everything goes off safe and sound, the Royal Security Squad:

Getting Hitched Without a Hitch: An Illustrated Guide to the Ins and Outs of the Royal Wedding

The Queen also has her glock tucked into her royal support hose should anything go down.

Everything has been planned for Will and Kate’s Big Day, including my schedule: roll out of bed at 4:45, pop the bottle of champagne I’ve been saving for this very moment, don an appropriate hat, log onto Fashion Indie’s Twitter and wait with bated breath for Kate to stroll down the aisle in her (hopefully Alexander McQueen) wedding dress.

So join me, won’t you, tomorrow morning so can we live vicariously together through the Wedding of the Century and console me as I’ll be openly weeping at losing one more chance at marrying into the royal family.

Photos: Daily Mail

Written by Lester Brathwaite

I was center square from 1969 to 1978, during which I perfected the art of the zing as well as a crippling cocaine addiction. Bea Arthur was responsible for both. @LesFabian lester dot brathwaite at gmail