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by on January 26, 2011

Oh No They Didn’t! tells us how celebrities stay painfully thin, however, shockingly/suspiciously/facetiously missing from mention is a diet of cocaine, amphetamines and bulimia.

How to Not Be Fat: The Skinny on Being Skinny

Carrie Underwood: “When I gain weight, it’s in the spare-tire area. I’ve told trainers abs are a physical impossibility for me. And every single time, they’re like, ‘Well, we’ll get you abs!’ So do I have them? No! But they’re as flat as they’re probably going to get. Push-ups work out everything. If you do them right, you’ll feel it in your abs. I do four sets of 10 to 20.”

Jessica Alba: Alba does this all-over toning move: Begin standing and holding 5lb dumbbells – your left arm should be chin height and your right arm should be extended to the ceiling. Take a giant step to your right, landing in a lunge, with your right knee bent and angled slightly forward. Keep your left leg straight while simultaneously lowering right arm to shoulder height. Pause momentarily, then push off your right leg, returning to the starting position with your feet together and right arm extended to ceiling. Perform 12 reps then repeat on left side. Perform 2 sets.

Cheryl Cole: While in girl band Girls Aloud Cheryl lost a lot of weight, and this was mostly down to the hectic schedule and continuous rehearsals and gigs, which simply meant she was burning a lot of calories doing dance workouts. Cheryl would often perform this fitness routine, as devised by the bands personal trainer: 30 minutes running on the treadmill. 60 minutes weight training exercises.

Zoe Saldana: Instead of only sweating to look good for one big event, Saldana strives to make healthy habits second nature. “After the premiere of Avatar, Steve felt like my training dropped off and he was like, ‘You need to come back.’ He was right, you really have to nurture your body,” she explains. “I have a lot of respect for people who do it, because it’s a lifestyle.”

Rihanna: Rihanna admits her body is the result of “a lot of hard work and a lot of running on the treadmill.” Carbs are the enemy but if I go three days without them, I start getting weak. If my trainer had her way, I’d eat small meals every three hours, but I sometimes only eat once or twice a day. I work out every day but I need a trainer to motivate me – I don’t find it much fun working out on my own.” “Everyone wants to have slim, perfectly-toned legs and I’m the same. I do weights but I don’t want my legs to bulk up so I do a lot of cardio. I’ve lost a lot of weight since I started working out and if I exercise every day for a week, I can drop several pounds. If I diet, I see even faster results.”

Adriana Lima: Exercises 2 hours 6 days a week. Working out should be a part of everybody’s routine,” she says. “I know sometimes you don’t have time — that’s why I love jumping rope, because you can take it with you anywhere and you don’t need to do it, like, one hour. You can do it ten minutes and it’s like 45 minutes of running.”

Amanda Seyfried: “Running a half hour four to five days a week keeps me alright–five days, because I feel guilty when I don’t. I also go to Harley Pasternak’s three times a week, and I love it. He’s fun and we do different things every time. It’s 45 minutes, and he kicks my ass! My legs are really strong, and I feel really great. And I go to my pilates teacher, Nikiko, on the weekends–she’s all about stretching and toning and being long and lean.”

Anna Paquin: “I like to mix things up so I’m not doing the same thing every single day,” she said. She also works out on the elliptical and stationary bike she keeps in her garage. “Let’s face it, gyms aren’t open at four in the morning. So if I can’t do anything else, I can get a perfectly good workout in my garage!”

Miranda Kerr: Miranda spends about four sessions of 75 minutes each at the gym. Her workout is usually a combination of exercises targeting all muscle groups, but which places emphasis on her legs. Thus, Gelband says, Kerr does 30 minutes on her legs, 30 on her core, arms and balance, and 15 minutes on stretching afterwards. To keep her legs lean and toned (and, of course, cellulite-free), Miranda also does a 5-kilometer run and weight work, plus some boxing on the side.

Katy Perry: While Perry admits she hates working out, she stays fit by jumping rope. “I love jumping rope,” she said. “It’s like dancing. I can double jump, I can cross, I can do all of it. I look like Rocky!” “On holidays I eat whatever I feel like,” she told Women’s Health. “But on tour the catering is a lot of grilled chicken—nothing fried. Everything is organic, and I have soy milk. No chips in sight—if they’re in front of you, you eat them.”

Beyoncé: An upper body workout can get boring with all those repetitions, so Knowles added her own twist. “I’ll put on a song that I really like and do [biceps curls with] 5-pound weights the whole song,” she told us. Or, using 3-pound weights, she’ll box for the length of one track. [Doesn't count, everyone knows Beyoncé is a robot.]

Megan Fox: “I’m very lazy. I hire a personal trainer who is supposed to come three times a week. He comes to me – I don’t even have to leave the house. He’ll come to my house and I’ll be lying in the exact same spot he left me in. I’ll be like: ‘Not today! Not today!’” Even though Fox doesn’t like to exercise, she does it in order to keep those flat abs. She starts with 30 minutes of cardio, and then another half an hour of Pilates or cycling to burn some more calories and keep her slim figure.

Oh Yes They Did: Oh No They Didn’t!

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Contributed by Lester Brathwaite

I was center square from 1969 to 1978, during which I perfected the art of the zing as well as a crippling cocaine addiction. Bea Arthur was responsible for both. @LesFabian lester dot brathwaite at gmail