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Edited by on October 27 2011 at 12:13 PM

With Halloween weekend fast-approaching, you will no doubt be getting seven kinds of shitfaced at various parties, bars, clubs and what have you. Everyone wants to imbibe freely and some places allow you to do just that. But if you find yourself in this proverbial land of milk and honey — where the milk and honey are actually vodka and tequila — it’s important to adhere to certain protocols. 

Open Bar Etiquette

1. Don’t crowd the fucking bar. My biggest pet peeve in life is someone chit-chatting their boring life away at the bar while a crowd of people clamor and jockey for a spot around them. Take the flirting to the men’s urinal where it belongs and step aside for your fellow drunk. It’s called “courtesy” and “not being a douchebag.”

2. Tip your bartender. Aside from securing good karma, a well-tipped bartender is far more likely to see you when you’re flopping up to secure your next drink.

3. Double fist your way through. An open bar  is not a marathon, it’s a sprint. Ordering two drinks allows you to get as wasties as possible as quickly as possible and cuts back on the amount of time you’ll have to stand in line. Also, you’ll look pretty badass.

4. Last call calls for shots. Most open bars are only one or two hours — a half an hour is an insult and anything over two hours is pure magic — so when last call inevitably rolls around, it’s time to roll up your sleeves and get to work. Tequila shots and Jäger bombs guarantee a superstar finish. Or at least an evening groping your way through a K hole.

Happy drinking this Halloween, kids! And remember, it’s all fun and games till someone ends up in rehab. Someone I call a quitter.

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Story by Lester Brathwaite

I was center square from 1969 to 1978, during which I perfected the art of the zing as well as a crippling cocaine addiction. Bea Arthur was responsible for both. @LesFabian lester dot brathwaite at gmail

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