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Paris Hilton Has Just Called Upon the Final Sign of the Apocalypse, Prepare for Hell

Paris Hilton Doll

Why in the fLuck would any parent with half a brain cell ever decide to pick up this toy for their child? At least Barbie has a job and a dream house!!! Who exactly is the Paris Hilton blow up doll being marketed to? Little girls who dream of being porn stars? I can only imagine the accessories, a half-dead chihuahua, a sidekick, inflatable breasts, and diet pills. The doll probably comes with amazing binging abilities and daddies magical unlimited credit card.

Here’s a list of some of Paris’ accomplishments and why they really don’t warrant her being immortalized in plastic.

  • Had a two second role in Zoolander. Nearly ruined the whole movie.
  • Officially made it not hot when she trademarked the phrase “That’s Hot”.
  • Was impaled in House of Wax. Quite possibly the best movie ever.
  • You may not be aware but she once starred in a sex tape. One Night In Paris is officially her highest grossing movie ever.
  • Was on a show called The Simple Life with on-again, off-again love interest Nicole Richie. The show just proved how simple Paris really was. In one episode she wondered what a WalMart was and tried to sexually assault a 16 year old boy. W0o hoo, pedophilia!
  • Dated a slew of greasy, disgusting men. Filmed sex tapes with nearly everyone as back-up for career boosts in the future.
  • Was arrested and sent to jail for drunk driving. Cried the whole way to prison. Quite possibly the best movie ever.
  • Listed by PETA as one of the worse pet owners in history. Once animals hit the Hilton residence they rarely make it out alive. (Has anyone seen Tinkerbell lately?)
  • Contracted herpes.
  • Stared in The Hottie and the Nottie. Surprisingly she was the Hottie.
  • Decided to be the grossest living creature on the planet by dating her best friends boyfriends twin brother. Icky!!!
  • Starred in a series of tapes in which she snorted coke of a mans bare, hairy belly (chest is for men with abs this dude had a stomach), made fun of poor people, made fun of homosexuals, and showed her tits to any one who asked to see them.
  • Released and album called Stars are Blind. Unfortunately for Paris they aren’t deaf.

Sex videos, arrests, and sucky albums. That’s right folks, is he white female version of R.Kelly. Now would you really want you child to play with an R.Kelly toy? Probably not. So please, feel free to burn down any toy store that carries this doll. You’ll be doing the world a hell of a lot of good.

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