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Stuff Fashion People Like #7 Cocaine

Tony Montana If you ever need to describe the world of fashion to a five year old child tell them it is a lot like Peter Pan, everyone wants to stay young forever, most of it’s run by a pirate (Galliano) and when you want to get high all it takes is a little pixie dust. Of course, to a fashion person the only dust they care to sprinkle on is the kind that comes from Colombia.  As Ricky James would say, “Cocaine is a hell of a drug” but for fashion people it signifies a hell of a lifestyle.  Models, designers and editors of teen magazines all bow to Lord Escobar, a deity that when prayed to properly will boost your career, get you in with the top socialites, and help you bag young celebrities for your cover shoots. The reasons for it’s popularity is quite simple, a) it isn’t cheap which means you must have money if you’re buying it, b) it’s white which means it goes with any outfit and c) it’s a great diet aide for those whose eroded esophaguses (or is it esophagi) won’t let them purge out another meal of celery sticks and Vitamin Water.

When encountering fashion people it’s always smart to carry a small amount (about half a kilo) of the powdery dust in your back pocket. When used in a pick up line you are almost guaranteed a “fun time” (also see a night with a vapid stick figure who won’t shut up or fall asleep). Suggested intros could include, “Hi, I have coke. Wanna come to my apartment?” With this line you are almost guaranteed the model / scenester / cast member of Gossip Girl of your choice.  Other lines like “My brother and me just smuggled 36 kilos in our asses from Bolivia,” have also been known to work, but often result in a stampede of pencil thin women clawing at you, so proceed with caution.  Remember cocaine is like the Axe body spray of the fashion world, one sniff and you’ll be attacked by more skeleton bags than you’ll know what to do with.

If a fashion person ever offers you coke, be sure to comment on how good it is. Comparing it to coke you have had with someone who’s in a higher status level will make the fashion person feel superior for finding a great dealer. Comments like “This stuff is just as great as the coke I snorted with Marc at his Fall 2006 after party,” will cement your status as a successful namedropper and bfff (best fashion friend forever).
Finishing with “He was so much more fun before he went all Winehouse on us,” will further help to drive home your “it” factor and may result in your new friend introducing you to his dealer, an act that’s equal to meeting a future mother-in-law in the eyes of a fashion person.

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