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CULTURE, NEWS / December 20 2011 7:56 AM

We Need to Talk About Your Baby’s Cocaine Problem

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Now, far be it from me to judge how your baby gets its rocks off. We were all once infants, eager to explore the world around us; sticking god-knows-what up god-knows-where all in the spirit of harmless adventure. But as a parent, you’ve gotta draw the line somewhere — and that line should preferably be in your baby’s stash of cocaine. A recent study of over 100 changing tables in shopping malls, hospitals, courts, police stations and even churches, for Lohan‘s sake,  revealed that 92% had traces of Colombian nose candy. Personally, I blame this on that trashbag pusher Dora the Explorer and her drug mule, Diego, who’s been a little too go-go as of late, if you catch ma drift.

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MEN'S, STREETSTYLE / October 29 2009 12:26 PM

That Whore Dora Strikes Again, Satan Be Damned!

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That Whore Dora Strikes Again, Satan Be Damned!

*sees Dora The Explorer bow tie*
*left eye twitch*
*has a “Nooooo Wiiiirrrrreee Haaannnnggeerrrrrsss” moment*
Well isn’t this a chemo-therapeutic-mess!  Indie dahlingk’s, it’s not necessarily that I hate Whora The Explorah’, it’s more that I want her to die a painful, burnin clap of a death but that bobble head trollop won’t laydown and sleep……….FOREVAH!  No matter how much I lace her sippy cup with Pine Sol she just won’t die.  I mean, it worked in 6th Sense, I figured it would work in real life!  *sigh*
In all seriousness, we have an issue of when grown men show themselves in public rockin whack childrens cartoon characters as part of their accessory game.  Is this how you turn your swag on…….really…….REALLY?  And why is he so greasy lookin?!  My brotha please, some loose powder and a light cream concealer will help your soul cuz this can’t be the will of the glowin Christ Jesus of Glamour.  Now don’t even start thinkin that it’ll make you seem less manly, the trash around your neck already castrated your manhood. OVAH!

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BEAUTY / March 31 2009 8:04 AM

5 Year Old Girls Become Beauty Savy

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5 Year Old Girls Become Beauty Savy

What do you do when your 5 year old asks you for laser hair removal? Or your fourth grader asks for $150 highlights  and a mani/pedi to go with it?

An article in Newsweek talks all about this dilemma:

“Fourth graders are in the market for lush $50 haircuts; by the time they hit high school, $150 highlights are standard. Five-year-olds have spa days and pedicure parties. And instead of shaving their legs the old-fashioned way—with a 99-cent drugstore razor—teens get laser hair removal, the most common cosmetic procedure of that age group.  By the time your 10-year-old is 50, she’ll have spent nearly $300,000 on just her hair and face.”

Guess most of us don’t have to worry about that for some time, but imagine what OUR 5 year old’s are going to be asking? I’m imagining anal bleaching and Dora the Explorer temporary tattoo removal.

WOW!

LINKAGE: NY Mag via Newsweek

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FASHION / August 8 2008 6:25 PM

The Worst Possible Fashion Statment Ever!

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The Worst Possible Fashion Statment Ever!

Just so you know, I have CPS on speed dial and you’re 1 violation away from me using it douchecock!
The Worst Possible Fashion Statment Ever!
Indies the only thing worse than those horrible eye sores called Crocs is Dora The Explorer Crocs and the only thing worse than that is actually dressing your child up in those Whora The Explora Crocs, AAARRRGGHH! KILL NOW!
A chick brought her child into my shop to get her hair braided and lo and behold that little monkey had on Dora The ‘Fudgin’ Explorer Crocs. There’s actually merchandise that bares her likeness which I’m exceedingly sure was constructed in the 3rd world by lil’ Paco or Ming Choo at a whopping 1cent a day salary, therefore pissing us off just that little bit extra. How do you know you could be out parented by a poo slingin’ chimp? 1) Your daughter’s on the pole 2) Your daughter’s in competition with Jenna Jameson for “Most Shots To The Face” 3) Your child owns a pair of Dora The Explorer Crocs…………clearly you’ve failed!

If you don’t kill her, I will!

The Worst Possible Fashion Statment Ever!

It was all I could do not to douse the child in holy water and curse the prince of darkness for the pure and unholy, cockeyed foolishness that was set before my eyes. I could just see the blood and sweat of underpaid sweat shop laborers glistening off the logo while that Explora The Whora smiled back at me. I don’t know why I hate that little box headed trollop but I know that a forray into fashion is sure to get the offices of Nickelodeon a medley of hate mail and unmarked, ticking packages. Stop It! Stop It Now! OVAH HA!
The Worst Possible Fashion Statment Ever!
Lay off the snacky cakes and lil debras, Fatty
- Z’maji of HauteBlogXOXO

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