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GIRLS / July 29 2008 7:23 AM

How To Look Ghetto: Rap About Not Wearing Tight Clothes

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So the war between hip hoppers who wear baggy jeans and those who wear tight jeans has begun. Really!?! Is this how pathetic hip hop has become. There was a time that battles we’re fought over police brutality and drug blocks, now it’s all about fashion.

In the video above, gang violence is advocated as a way to handle tight jeans in your neighborhood. The following disclaimer hits the video before some Soulja Boy wannabes lay down weak rhymes over an annoying repetitive hook.

WARNING: Wearing tight clothes by men may result in feminine tendencies, homosexuality, possible yeast infection, severe hemmorrhoids [sic], permanent wedgies, & genetically inherited transexual [sic] characteristics in your son.

All those things sound way better than the poor grammar and spelling you’d genetically inherit if you dressed like a late nineties gang banger.  Seriously, though the yeast infection part is pretty funny.

Listen, you fucking baggy jeans wearing homos on the downlow. Wearing tight jeans doesn’t make you gay, but wearing jeans to your ankles does. Everyone knows (a.k.a. non-ghetto people) where the sag came from. It was a prison ritual to determine who was a bitch.  So if you wear saggy jeans and showcase your fresh draws that makes you the bitch you ignant.

On the flip side, wearing tight jeans that squeeze your nuts to the point that I have to wonder whether or not you have a dick is also not cool. So everyone, just by a pair of jeans that fit.

Also, does the tight clothes thing apply to females as well?  Cause there are way to many girls out there who have no reason to be rocking XSmall tees over XXL fat rolls. Can you make a rap for ladies as well?  Some of us are trying to keep our breakfast down.

Update: The rappers are from Brooklyn. Wonder if they want to do Fashion Indie Week Brooklyn?

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BEAUTY / May 29 2008 2:09 PM

How To Look Ghetto: Be a White Chick with Cornrows

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How To Look Ghetto: Be a White Chick with Cornrows

Nothing says ghetto fabulous better than cornrows, so if you want to look hoodtastic you better fill your head with as many of these scalp destroying braids as possible. Mena Suvari has perfected the look in Stuck, in which she plays a black woman who hit a homeless man with her car, decided not to remove him, and let him die while he was still in the window. Classy.

What a tick. Mena Suvari’s playing a black chick?  What the fuck is that about

P.S. I have no problem when blacks choose to wear cornrows, but when white chicks do it, it’s down right ghetto.

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GIRLS / May 22 2008 11:34 AM

How To Look Ghetto: The Money Shot

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How To Look Ghetto: The Money Shot

The ghettoness is daunting. This pict is from Craigslist. It features a self described “Mr.Right” flashing what appears to be $240 bucks. This is the best way to look ghetto and have women (with the exception of strippers and hookers) ignore you.  The money shot is a tried and true ghetto thing to do, so if you’re attempting it, and you’re not trying to be ironic, realize that you suck and no one takes you seriously.

We pulled this image from Gawker which also features this loserific dudes voicemail, as he threatens to sue the online giant for making fun of him. Last time I check, Craigslist was public domain buddy. If you’re looking for privacy, you might want to hawk up a couple of bucks and get your sorry ass on, or, which I’m assuming is the exact same thing except their are more people in jail on it who like soft Rican ass.

P.S. Thanks for making so many of us look bad with these photos. Mucho apreciado.

Listen to the Gawker Voicemail Here

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GIRLS / April 16 2008 10:41 AM

Ten Things I Don’t Get About Du Rags

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Ten Things I Dont Get About Du Rags

1. Why in the fuck is doo (as in Hairdoo) spelled Du? Does the company who makes these want everyone to know that you can’t spell even the simplest words?  I’d be offended if I were you.

2. Isn’t the purpose of these to protect your short hair styles at night? If so, why in the hell is it worn during the day, when you’re out in public, when I can see you and laugh at you. It’s like a woman who heads to the supermarket in curlers and wonders why people throw cans of creamed corn at her head.

3 . And on that note, why is it worn when you don’t have your hair styled in?  It’s like you’re so lost in the Du Rag lifestyle that you’ve failed to ignore it’s original purpose, to keep your “du” together at night.

Ten Things I Dont Get About Du Rags

If you are white. And wear a du-rag. You look like this. 

4. White people and hispanicals, PLEASE STOP ROCKING DU RAGS!!! You are not Eminem and you’re black friends talk shit about you behind your back. Seriously, I promise.

5.  If you do insist on wearing them as a “fashion piece” can you please invest in one that’s not made out of polyester?  I understand that they have become everyday hoodwear, but they don’t need to be so cheap. If you want to wear them on the street, please invest in a leather or more stylish version.  I know no one makes them in leather, but jump on this trend and get started on crafting them and maybe you might make some legit street money.

6. Why are they only sold at bodegas? Aren’t they worthy of 99 cent store representation as well?

7.  They cost about a nickel. There’s no reason why you should ever have to put them in the wash.  Buy a new one at least once a week for the sake of the advanced society that has grown around your grimy ways.

Ten Things I Dont Get About Du Rags

8.  Jordan Durags for $20 bucks. Really?

Ten Things I Dont Get About Du Rags

Daniel Saynt as Kevin Federline (it was a dark time in my life)

9. Only hood rats think you look hot in a du-rag. Seriously, I promise you it’s the truth. I wore a du-rag for Halloween two years ago (I was dressed like Kevin Federline) and I got the number of every ghetto chick and their babies.  It was like hood rats were falling from the sky and asking for child support.

Ten Things I Dont Get About Du Rags

10.  Tupac and Biggie did not wear durags. Isn’t that enough convincing for you to do the same?

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