Edited by Saynt
Isn't Zooey an It Woman by now?
So Nylon recently came out with a list of things to do if you want to be an “It Girl” for their October issue dedicated to the subject. Among the options, dating a rocker, being under 20 years old, and being the spawn of a celebrity made the list according to Jezebel. We’ve got our own thoughts on what it takes to be an “It Girl” but we must warn all that accomplishing all these might just get you an STD and a trip to addiction rehab.
1. Crave a Shit Load of Attention. It’s the attention your parents never gave you cause they were too busy sniffing coke off of Fareah Fawcett’s ass during your quarterly P.T.A meetings. It’s the attention you crave when you hit the strip without a pair of coochy covers on. It’s the attention that makes you look sad enough to give up a “make me feel good” fuck to the first guy who looks your way. Believe me, guys are looking.
- Isabelle McNally Knows How to be an It Girl.
2. Suck Cock. Actually Suck a Shit Load of Cock. Like “Porn Star Trying To Break A Guinness World Record” Level Cock Sucking. Former geeky high school boys will pay attention to you if you do. The same boys who have no social life and a shit load of time to snap photos of people (rather than actually party with them) at clubs. The same boys who know HTML and aren’t afraid to blog it. The same boys who will upload your photos making you an “It Girl”. Doing so will guarantee Cory Kennedy fame within two face blasts. Be sure to avert your eyes.
Harley Viera Newton can It Girl. Can You?
3. Drink. A Lot. Drunk chicks dance, are loud as fuck, and get noticed at clubs. You should reek of alcohol every morning and wake up with random sploodge in your hair from all the photographers you blew the night before. (See tip number 2)
4. While You’re Drinking Snort Some Coke. Or Ecstasy. Or Heroin. Or Pixie Sticks. Seriously, drugs make you really, really, really cool. If you’ve been to rehab and you aren’t even old enough to vote you’re on the right track.
- Daisy Lowe Knows How to Be an It Girl. Do you have some dweeb on YOUR tit?
5. Look Like Jailbait. Or Better Yet, Be Jailbait. Underage girls get paparazzi and hipster photographers hotter than a 70% off sale at Urban Outfitters. Wax off all signs of pubescent hair and be sure to be slutty enough to get their attention but not slutty enough to seem like you know what your doing. A woman who’s actually capable of seducing someone freaks hipster photographers out and they’ll just blow their load before they snap your photo.
Cory Knows How to Be an It Girl
6. Stalk Dov Charney, Merlin Bronques, Cobrasnake or any other hipster with a camera then repeat steps 1 -5.
7. Shop, Work, and/or Pick Up Your Drug Supply from American Apparel. Seriously.
8. You + A Celebrity’s Dong + Video Camera with Night Vision = Instant “It Girl” Status.
Nudity Helps. ALLOT!!!
9. Don’t Weigh More Than The Thinner Olsen. Better yet, acquire an eating disorder like bulemia, anorexia, or that weird one from Sex and the City where the guy chews food but doesn’t actually swallow it. It Girls must be a size two or zero in order to get noticed and slip in and out of prison bars when their arrested for drunk driving/drug possession/smuggling Canadians across the US border.
10. Be White. Seriously.
- Alexa Chung DJ
11. Attempt To Be Something More Than An Over-Glorified Attention Whore. Consider modeling, becoming a DJ, or creating a t-shirt line. All require absolutely no skill whatsoever and will guarantee you get even more attention.
12. Skip The Higher Education Route. It Girls don’t need to be smart. They just need to be dumb enough to follow all these rules to a tee. Skip the community college application (did you really think NYU is an option when the web is littered with your half-coked out party images?) and just enroll in the school of hard cocks knocks.
Peaches Geldof Can It Girl With a Full Stomach. Can You?
13. Realize That There Is Only ONE Media Outlet That Gives A Fuck About You. Seriously, if it wasn’t for them, you wouldn’t exist so be sure to bend over backwards to appear on their Internet TV shows, support their yard sales, and pick up their dry cleaning while your at it.
Portia Freeman can do the It Girl. Can You?
14. Date Pete Doherty. Works everytime.
15. If All Else Fails There’s Always Lesbianism. It worked for Lindsay and it can work for you.
P.S. Before you all start claiming that I’m a woman hating, misogynistic, asshole let me state first and foremost that I am. If women want to accept a title that praises them for doing nothing more than dressing cute and getting photographed than they deserve to be shit on. If you truly believe in women’s empowerment then don’t support publications that insist on placing coked out, drunk whores on their covers, calling them “It Girls” or deeming their turds worthy of your attention. Let’s get real ladies.
On a side, if any of you want to be deemed “It Girls” by Fashion Indie, send us your photos and a small sentence on what the fuck you’ve done lately that makes you interesting. Dressing well helps (we are a fashion blog) but isn’t necessary. We’re looking for accomplishments like “Didn’t Drop Out of College”, “Just Hosted a Massively Cool Event”, or “Just Found a Cure for Male Pattern Pubic Baldness”. Send them to firstname.lastname@example.org and we’ll feauture you on the site.
Images from Gawker, Refinery29, and Nylon.