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CULTURE, NEWS / December 23 2011 12:30 PM

Rachel Maddow Serves Up a Little Christmas Sass to Fox News and Sarah Palin

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Whenever Fox News goes off spouting whatever crazy juice they’ve been mixing with their whiskey and moonshine, there’s thankfully someone always there to lampoon and satirize them. Freedom of press goes both ways, trash. Fox News and its voice of reason, Sarah Palinsidebar: can we talk about Julianne Moore‘s future Emmy for portraying the former governor of Alaska – took issue with the Obama’s Christmas card featuring the First Dog, Bo Obama, due to its lack of, as Palin so eloquently put it, “family, faith and freedom.” Enter Rachel Maddow, my fourth favorite lesbian on TV (but still way ahead of Suze Orman), shoulder pads and sensible haircut ablazing to put everything in perspective. 

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FASHION, ODDITIES / June 8 2011 5:29 PM

Putting the Lady Back in First Lady

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To celebrate the release of his book,  Power Dressing: First Ladies, Women Politicians & Fashion, author Robb Young asked a few of fashion’s best and fiercest — including Simon Doonan and Nicola Formichetti — to style some of the most powerful women in the world with the help of illustrator Charlotte Hoyle. The result finds nary a pantsuit or a sweaterset in sight.

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BACKSTAGE / July 15 2010 7:25 PM

Punking Sarah Palin

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Punking Sarah Palin

Bristol Palin, the Ma Barkey of the Palin Clan?

There’s something fishy going on here. My guess is that the unexpected news of the pending nuptials between Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston is really just a ruse and not even true. The whole story is a publicity scam generated out of Sarah Palin’s office. Well, seeing that her publicist is Bristol Palin, BSMP, LLC, the idea was to show the world just how forgiving and generous Sarah Palin is. And given the sensitive, personal nature of this matter, Sarah will come off as a magnanimous force of nature, hence a great candidate for the Presidency in 2012. Here’s how it went down:

INT. PALIN HOME OFFICE / WASILLA – DAY

SARAH: (Wringing dish towel) These friggen Tea Baggers are driving me to drink.
BRISTOL: Yeah, I see what you mean. I leave your side for a fashion photo shoot in New York City and one little party and this is who you cozy up to? You can’t be left alone for one minute?
SARAH: What am I going to do? These nut bags are dragging down my Q rating.
BRISTOL: Look, I am not the head of my own PR firm for nothing. I’ll figure something out.
SARAH: Well, hurry up. Barack Obama and I are quickly becoming the laughing stocks of politics. And I’ll be damned if I let Hillary Clinton waltz into the top spot.
BRISTOL: Oh Mother, stop being so paranoid. (Beat, light bulb) I got it. You won’t like it, but it is a doozy.
SARAH: I’m desperate, shoot.
BRISTOL: Well, what were you thinking with that prayer for the oil spill. Yikes.
SARAH: Listen young lady…
BRISTOL: I’ll marry Levi.
SARAH: That’s ridiculous. I’d rather become a Democrat.
BRISTOL: No, hear me out. We will stage a secret rekindling of our romance, announce it to a tabloid, and not tell you first. Total betrayal.
SARAH: That’s disgusting. I love it.
BRISTOL: You will be the unsuspecting victim that any parent in the same situation would be mortified. You and Daddy with get millions of sympathy votes beyond.
TODD: Do I get to pose nude for Playgirl, punkin?
BRISTOL: Oh, daddy, please. (Scratches head) Hmmm, we’ll make that Plan B.
SARAH: But darlin’, I can not stand that little pervert.
BRISTOL: Oh, Ma, what mother actually likes her son-in-law?
TODD: Yup, she’s got a point there.
SARAH: (Winks) Alright, let’s do it.

Seems like Bristol Palin has turned out to be the smarty pants of the Palin clan. Come on…she became the first out of wedlock, teenage mother to serve as spokes-model for abstinence…an Emperor’s New Clothes situation like no one’s business. She has proven to be a PR maven at the ripe old age of nineteen. When I was her age, I was already on my third addiction.

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BACKSTAGE / June 1 2010 2:07 PM

I MEAN WHAT: Oil Of Oy-Vey

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I MEAN WHAT: Oil Of Oy Vey

The answer to Barack Obama's prayers. Turn the Gulf of Mexico into the Fountain of Youth.

There is little I can say about the catastrophe that is under way in the Gulf of Mexico, besides how upsetting it is. Am I furious at British Petroleum? Of course, AND because I am not Sarah Palin…who is surprisingly silent at this time. Am I going to sit here and complain about Barack Obama? You betcha. But only for a minute, because it was not his fault that this happened. It is his lame, passive response that has me up in arms. And where is Michelle, besides on the pages of every style blog? She needs to get her Wellies on and march down to Louisiana. Barack Obama now has a huge cross to bear for his George Bush-ian response to this tragedy. By the way, where was David Axelrod, who would shove Obama into the glare of the media ad nauseum in the past?

Rather than join all the bloviators and newly established experts that are creeping out of the woodwork to fill hours of cable airtime, I’d rather be on the side of making positive suggestions to help turn this otherwise horrendous situation into a possible good thing. So here is my perfect world solution. Take all that oil and mix it up with these great ingredients:

Mineral Oil, Water (Aqua), Beeswax, Paraffin, Cocoa (Thoebroma Cacao) Butter, Sodium Borate, Grape Seed (Vitis Vinifera) Extract, Elastin, Collagen, Panthenol, Stearyl Alcohol, Wheat (Triticum Vulgare) Germ Oil, Tocopherol (Vitamin E), Vegetable Oil, Retinyl Palmitate, Ergocalciferol (Vitamin A & D), Sodium Lauryl Sulfate, Diazolidinyl Urea, Propylene Glycol, Methylparaben, Propylparaben, Fragrance (Parfum).

These are the elements in Queen Helene Grape Seed Extract Skin Firming Cream, the greatest product ever, which for some reason has been discontinued by Para Laboratories. Now, I may not be a scientist or anything, but that sludgy oil looks like it could do wonders to dry skin. Based on that, if we infuse these other lovely ingredients and you just might have an ocean full of youth enhancing moisturizer. Not only that, but you are coupled with the power of the sea, like Ahava, a popular Israeli skin care line that touts the benefits of the Dead Sea and other such hullabaloo. Now, if you don’t think every woman…and queen…on Earth wouldn’t line up to pay big bucks just to swim in some of that newly enhanced Youth Muck (working title) sludge…well…think again. We are talking about turning this whole situation around by promoting this unnatural disaster as the new fountain of youth. Do you realize the amount of spas that can be opened along the mouth of the Gulf? Move over French Riviera. OK, so the shrimpers lose their livelihood, but hey, they can become spa workers and masseurs. They can use their shrimp boats to take groups of ladies who lunch on day tours of the Youth Muck. Sure, it sounds crazy, but so does golf balls and hair clumps in the hopes of clogging that sucker.

VIEW ORIGINAL POST:Oil Of Oy-Vey

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EDITORIALS, GIRLS / May 26 2010 10:57 AM

SPREAD: Bristol Palin’s Tea Party in Harper’s Bazaar [@harpersbazaarus]

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SPREAD: Bristol Palins Tea Party in Harpers Bazaar [@harpersbazaarus]

After weathering scrutiny as a pregnant teenager during her mother’s vice-presidential campaign, Bristol Palin is forging her own path as an independent single mother. Harper’s Bazaar captures an intimate family scene with Bristol and her son, Tripp, in a charming tea party-themed fashion spread, which showcases gowns by Carolina Herrera, Lanvin, Isaac Mizrahi, and Michael Kors.

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