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by on April 26, 2011

The following is an excerpt from the Secret Diary of Kate Middleton*:

Dear Diary,

Can you believe! In three days I’m going to be Her Royal Highness Princess William of Wales! I think I’m going to throw up…

The Secret Diary of Kate Middleton: I Need to Throw a Heel on These Cold Feet

*And by “Kate Middleton,” we clearly mean “our overactive imaginations” and/or “drug-induced hallucinations.”

Well, false alarm, it was just the shrooms working their magic. I got Harry to smuggle me in some — i.e. I took ‘em out of his sock drawer —  ’cause Diary I am really fucking scared!

We had a talk with the Archbishop of Canterbury who did not make this whole Royal Wedding jazz any easier, saying that we’re “responsible to the whole society” and also “responsible to God” for our relationship.

The Secret Diary of Kate Middleton: I Need to Throw a Heel on These Cold Feet

Contrary to my original thoughts, he was not the Archbishop of Cadbury and is not made of chocolate. As we both found out the hard way.

Thanks, Archbishop, no pressure. Apparently no one thinks that we’re actually gonna make it — not that I blame them — so the Church of England has issued an official prayer for Will and I not to fuck it up:

God of all grace,
friend and companion,
look in favour on William and Catherine
and all who are made one in marriage.

In your love deepen their love
and strengthen their wills
to keep the promises they will make,
that they may continue
in life-long faithfulness to each other;
through Jesus Christ our Lord.

 

Amen.

I’m just going to say it, that’s kind of intense.

And to make things worse, that idiot Cameron Reilly nearly ruined everything! I swear, you give a guy an HJ in the quad at Westminster Abbey after a few too many Sidecars and maybe a tab of acid — who’s really paying attention once the Oxy kicks in — and suddenly he thinks you’re dating!

The Secret Diary of Kate Middleton: I Need to Throw a Heel on These Cold Feet

What did I ever see in him besides those giant guns and jaunty beret?

 

So I didn’t wave to him the other day, big whoop, cry about it all over your Facebook why don’t you?:

Her and William drove past me on Friday and all I got was a s****y wave while she looked the opposite way from me, stupid, stuck-up cow. Am I not good enough for them! Posh b****. Who really gives a f*** about her?

Calling me a stuck-up cow, I’ll buy and sell him five times over after I get married!

On the bright side, Diary, I think I’ve found the perfect shoes for the big day! I was thinking a good tranny heel but some people say that a ballet flat would make more sense for the actual ceremony.

I mean, I guess, if you want to throw fanfare completely out the window, but on the other hand I don’t want to be known as the princess who fell flat on her face at her own wedding.

I guess it’s still better than being Sarah Ferguson, who by the by, is totes pissed she didn’t get invited to the wedding. Here’s an idea, don’t do Weight Watchers commercials.

The Secret Diary of Kate Middleton: I Need to Throw a Heel on These Cold Feet

The Queen still talks about those you know. She loves Jennifer Hudson‘s though, obvi.

Anyhoo, Diary, the shrooms are kicking in, shit’s getting real and I need to find Will to practice our vows. He had his knickers all in a twist just because I won’t say “love, honor and obey and I told him that’s for outside of the bedroom.

Needless to say, he’s on board.

–K

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Contributed by Lester Brathwaite

I was center square from 1969 to 1978, during which I perfected the art of the zing as well as a crippling cocaine addiction. Bea Arthur was responsible for both. @LesFabian lester dot brathwaite at gmail

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