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“Dear E.Jean, I Think My Husband is Poisoning Me,” and other things I should have asked Elle this month…


I’m totally going to Elle.

Dear E.Jean, I Think My Husband is Poisoning Me, and other things I should have asked Elle this month...While Vogue feels like the glossy that seems to have a stick firmly stuck up its masthead, Elle’s always been that cool older sister I’ve always dreamed of having, you know, the one who’ll share her closet filled with designer, is willing to drive your friends to the mall, and isn’t afraid to answer any of your “my body is changing and hair is growing on my knuckles”-type questions…um, what, i was a hairy teen…

Aside from my undying love for Joe Zee’s “A to Zee”, each month I can’t wait to read the letters the lost and the helpless send to E. Jean in hopes she answers them back with something that will profoundly change their lives. What can I say, I’m down with OPP (Other People’s Problems).

This month, a desperate wife writes in to Auntie Jean saying that she thinks her husband is poisoning her, first by adding something to her am coffee, ‘it tastes funny’ she writes, and then finally becoming convinced that her hair is falling out and her skin is dry due to the substances he’s adding to her beauty products. To top it off, she’s uber successful, and he’s a stay-at-home douche. Jean advises the woman to get her finances in order, get a lawyer and go to the police, but since magazines take about three months to go to print, we can only assume that the advice fell on dead ears and somewhere there’s a man who’s inherited a nice little fortune and is currently using my favorite magazine to wipe his ass, moral of the story being, Elle’s great for fashion, not so much for preventing your husband from killing you.

On a lighter note, this month’s issue also included this Jessica Biel spread, which features Mrs.Timberlake playing dress up with some of fashion’s most prolific Parisian designers including Giambattista Valli, Jean Paul Gaultier and the faceless crew at Maison Martin Margiela. I really need to trade in the current hubs for a Backstreet Boy or something, this just seems like the greatest life ever…

Dear E.Jean, I Think My Husband is Poisoning Me, and other things I should have asked Elle this month...

“This was like being in bed with your best girlfriend, chatting. Jessica has very fluid style—She’s never contrived or overdone.” according to Giambattista Valli at Hôtel Plaza Athénée.

Dear E.Jean, I Think My Husband is Poisoning Me, and other things I should have asked Elle this month...

Jean Paul Gaultier on the rooftop of his Atelier: “For this collection I wanted to pay homage to David Bowie, Grace Jones, Madonna, Annie Lennox, Boy George, Michael Jackson—in a very tacky, funny, kitsch way.”

Dear E.Jean, I Think My Husband is Poisoning Me, and other things I should have asked Elle this month...

Azzedine Alaïa, who totally reminds me of a Bond villain, at his atelier.

Dear E.Jean, I Think My Husband is Poisoning Me, and other things I should have asked Elle this month...

“When I think of Paris, I think of this place. I thought it would be nice for Jessica to have a little part of Paris.” – Christian Louboutin at the Salon de l’Horloge du Musée d’Orsay.

Dear E.Jean, I Think My Husband is Poisoning Me, and other things I should have asked Elle this month...

“The scientists” at Maison Martin Margiela at the Shangri-La Hotel.

Dear E.Jean, I Think My Husband is Poisoning Me, and other things I should have asked Elle this month...

Nicola Formechetti looks ready to pounce. Get your claws up Jessica.

Dear E.Jean, I Think My Husband is Poisoning Me, and other things I should have asked Elle this month...

With Valentino creative directors Maria Grazia Chiuri and Piepaolo Piccioli at Hotel Salomon de Rothschild

Dear E.Jean, I Think My Husband is Poisoning Me, and other things I should have asked Elle this month...

Isabel Marant and Jessie at La Rouquet

Dear E.Jean, I Think My Husband is Poisoning Me, and other things I should have asked Elle this month...

With Balmain designer Olivier Rousteing at Club Matignon

Written by Beca Alexander

My spirit animal is Michelle Harper.